Such a Big Miracle in Such a Little Girl

I don't know if I am ready to write this blog post or not, but here goes.  

First off I want to say Thank You to every one that has prayed for us and followed along on our journey.  Second Thank You to everyone that has called me brave for sharing our journey.  Every time I would hit post, I would have a moment of panic and questions would go through my head.  Am I sharing too much?  Does anyone really care to read about our struggles?  Your kind words stopped me on more than one occasion from deleting the posts. I am not sure I would call myself brave, I think sharing is just something that I felt called to do. 

If you have been following along you know from the last post that we were in the 2 week wait.  Well unfortunately we did not get the news we had hoped for.   When I found this picture the other day for Ella's room, I had no idea just how true it would be. She is truly "our little miracle baby."  It has taken me a couple of days to process the news.  I knew going into all of this there was no guarantee it would work.  But you still hold onto hope that it will.  I was just thinking that maybe we would get another miracle.  I think it's one thing for YOU to decide as a family you are done having kids but to have that decision taken away from you is another thing.  I know that in the grand scheme of things it is not OUR decision, it's GOD's.  I know that one day I will understand it all but right now it really stings.  

Last post I talked about how thankful I was for this process.  While it has probably been the hardest thing I have ever done.  It also has taught me so much.  This is not for the weak at heart.  It will test everything in your life.  You realize just how precious life is and just how special it is to have a child.  

I know there is nothing that I could have done differently, but I still question it.  I would be lying if I wasn't asking myself...why us.  But then I stop and Thank God for Ella.  I know that she is here for a reason and one day all will be revealed to us.  As a friend told me today...you just have to find the lovely in all of this.

The 2 weeks we were waiting for the news were so long.  But these last (almost) 2 years we have had with Ella have flown by.  I just need time to stand still.  I need to savor my baby a little bit longer.  It's hard to believe that she will be 2 in almost a month.  We are so grateful for her and I feel truly blessed that God has trusted me with her. 

I know that each day will get easier and easier.  As bad as it hurts, I am ready to begin a new chapter in our lives.  Collin and I have been going through this process for probably 4 of the 6 years we have been married.  As tough as it is to say we are done and as much as we wanted to add to our family, I know God has other plans in store for us.

7 years ago today...I said "yes" when Collin asked me to marry him.  It hasn't been the easiest road but I would not change our story for anything in the world.  Some people talk about being an old mom... I embrace it.  God knew what He was doing when He was taking His time bringing us together.  I could not have asked for a more supportive husband through this process.  He loves his little girl!



This is one of my favorite books to read to Ella at night.  So many people prayed for this little girl and I know that she is going to do great things. God has a special plan for our one "good egg."  She really is EGGstra Special!

So thank you all for all the encouraging words, prayers, and good vibes.  Thank you for following our journey.  Our next adventure is a trip for mom and dad!  Get ready Tia and Pop you get the Texas Tornado for a week!

Thankful, Grateful and Blessed

Dallas Arboretum 2017

As we are fast approaching November, I am reminded just how thankful I am for this little girl. There was a time when I didn't think I would ever be able to experience motherhood.  As the uncertainty of having another one still hangs in the balance, I am so thankful that I am able to continue trying.

We started our last IVF cycle the first of October.  It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Having to go into Dallas every other day wasn't fun, but Ella did GREAT with the babysitter! 

After the first couple of appointments, I got a little bit discouraged.  As I said before, there is no guarantee that this would work.  My follicles were growing slower than the cycle with Ella.  Dr. Lee did reminded me that it was almost 2.5 years ago.  I decided that I would try not to worry and just let God take control.  As we got closer to the egg retrieval, all the logistics that goes into it started to stress me out.   We were going to have to be in Dallas really early in the morning.  Not knowing the exact date was challenging to make sure we had someone to watched Ella.  I was also worried how Ella would react to someone else waking her up.  

Trigger Shot

Finally after making the trip into Dallas 3 days in a row for appointments, I was ready for the trigger shot.  The trigger shot is given 2 days before the egg retrieval at a very specific time.  We had to be in Dallas at 6:15 a.m.!  That meant we had to leave our house by 5:30.  The retrieval would be at 7:15.  It's amazing how detailed and timed they have this all down to.  I was out of surgery (not really surgery but they do put me to sleep) before Ella even woke up.  When she did wake up, she was perfectly fine with Savana!  

As we started this process, we both said we only wanted enough embryos for a fresh transfer (fresh transfer means they transfer the embryos on Day 3 or Day 5 after the retrieval).  Dr. Lee was able to retrieve 6 follicles.  I have to admit I was a little discouraged because the cycle with Ella, we got 18 mature eggs and ended up with 7 embryos.  BUT only 1 of those was a good embryo.  They called the following day to let us know that out of the 6 follicles, only 3 were mature eggs and all of them fertilized.  So we had 3 embryos.  Not bad considering we didn't want to have to freeze any (I believe frozen transfers just don't work for us).  Dr. Lee said sometimes less is better quality.  That's what we are hoping for!  

Good Luck Mom!

Since we only had 3 embryos they decided on a Day 3 transfer.  That kind of threw me, because I had it in my mind that we would do a 5 day and it would be on a certain day.  The transfers take place during the lunch hour.  We had no childcare for Ella.  They don't allow children in the waiting room.  So...Ella and Daddy dropped me off and went and had a daddy/daughter lunch!  Not a big deal after all, this wasn't my first rodeo.  I mean Collin didn't really need to be in the room LOL.  Come on...I have to have a little humor!  The transfer is a simple procedure that lasts less than 10 mins and after about 15 min bed rest I am free to go. 

If you have gotten this far, I am sure you are wondering what the outcome is!  Well....we don't know yet!!  I am currently in the dreaded 2 week wait.  I don't want to say what part...

Even though we don't know that outcome yet, I still have so much to be thankful for.   I am so thankful that we have the resources to try to expand our family, I am thankful that I have a supportive husband who has picked up the slack the last couple of weeks and will give me the dreaded progesterone shot, I am thankful for all the prayers that people have prayed, but most of all I am thankful that God has allowed me to be a MOM.  I know it sounds weird, but I am thankful for this process.  I believe it makes me a different mom.  I don't know how to explain it and only people that go through infertility will understand that.  I can't imagine my life without this little girl.  I only hope that we are lucky enough to experience it again.

Halloween 2017

Thank you for all the prayers and keep them coming! One song that I love listening to is Hillary Scott, Thy Will.  I know God has a plan and I am trying to stay positive and let Him handle it all.

Thanks for reading!  

The Next Adventure Begins

It's been awhile since my last post.  I am good about posting pictures (which I am sure people get sick of seeing) but not at blogging.  I have moments alone and have all these thoughts in my head and then I sit down in front of the computer and go blank.  I am not a writer by any means!

This is the 2nd time I have tried writing this. Maybe it's a little bit of oversharing but hopefully it helps people understand this process and me a little better.

Infertility is a subject not many people talk about.  While I was going through IVF with Ella, I was a very closed book.  It's not something that was easy for me to talk about.  I felt like I got pity from people or people felt sorry for me.  Maybe it was just in my head.  I also didn't and still don't want people to feel like they have to tip toe around me. It's a process that if you share with people then you have to share the good news as well as the bad news.  In our case we had bad news a whole lot more than we had good news.

All that to be said, this time around I would like to be more open.  A friend put it in perspective the other day.  Why not let people know what's going on that way more people can be praying for you. So this should answer everyone's question...are we going to have more kids.

"Good Egg" Easter 2017

After Ella, we were left with 5 frozen embryos. Over the last 6 months we have transferred all of them with no luck.  We knew that there was no guarantee that any of them would take.  I honestly panicked the first time we did a transfer.  I just knew it was going to work and I wasn't sure I was ready for another baby.  Ella was only 14 months old!  When we got that final negative pregnancy test, we realized it might be over.  We laugh and call Ella our "good egg" and honestly she might be our one and only good egg. I took the picture below on one of our transfer days.  We  knew she was special we just didn't know how EGGSTRA special she was! 

EGGSTRA Special

Over the last month or so we have gone back and forth whether to do one more round of IVF.  I feel like people will think we are crazy for trying again. Yes, it's expensive, it wreaks havoc on your body, mind and soul, but in the end it is so worth it! I have mixed emotions because this will be our 9th attempt.  We have done 5 egg retrievals and 8 transfers.  This will be our 6th egg retrieval and 9th transfer.  I know that seems crazy when you read it. At first, I was like I am done that is way too many times.  Then I reminded myself that some people try every month for a year to get pregnant and that's a whole lot more than 9 times!  For us, it's not that simple.  We are very fortunate that we have the resources to keep trying.

Some days I think to myself this is God's plan because I can't handle another child.  I have no clue why I thought Ella would be easy once she got here.  Some days are tough but I would not change any of it!  The odds might not be in our favor but I am not ready to close the chapter without trying one more time.  It's one thing to make a decision to say I am through having children-it's another to have that decision made for you.

I guess I am being more open because the process will be A LOT harder this time around.  The shots hurt, the hormones are not friendly, the appointments will be challenging with Ella and there is no guarantee it will work.  I will need all the prayers and good thoughts anyone wants to send my way.

Cheese!

I am nervous to start this next adventure. I keep questioning are we doing the right thing and stressing on managing it with Ella.  I come to the same conclusion as I mentioned above...I am not ready to close the chapter yet.  I can't imagine our life if we had given up the time before Ella.  It really is true that good things come to those that wait.  Every night when I am putting Ella to bed, I thank God for making me a mom and for trusting me with her. If Ella is all God has planned for us, we are perfectly content with her!  Adding another child is just a bonus!  She might be our one and only "good egg" but we are on the hunt to try to find another one.

The next adventure begins....